I'm Scared Too

Normally, the beginning of a new school year would bring its usual mix of excitement, anticipation, and nervousness. This is true for both students and teachers (parents too). But in the age of Coronavirus I think it is fair to say that many approach this new school year with even stronger emotions and anxiety than usual. There are many opinions out there about whether schools should open in person or through distance learning. The point of this post is not to debate that question. But I do want to capture this moment in time so that years from now my kids will be able to look back and get a sense of what it felt like. I also want to say before I get into it that this post is an attempt to reflect on some of the questions and feelings that I think many may be going through in communities all over. It is not meant as a commentary on any specific community or school. I am proud to work at a school that is full of reflective and supportive educators. And truthfully, all our schools are blessed with caring and thoughtful people. This is a crazy time and we are all trying our best to figure out how to navigate these choppy waters. To be honest, I am scared to write this blog. Vulnerability, though often praised as a virtue, can bring judgement from others. Despite this risk, I think the potential benefit of others feeling seen and validated makes it a risk worth taking. So here goes... Dear Student, I know you are entering a school year feeling scared. You have a lot of questions on your mind. Will I be safe if we go back to the building? Will I be lonely if we do not? Will anything feel normal anytime soon? When will I be able to just hang out with my friends, or go to a restaurant, or sit together on the floor with our backs to our lockers? Will I have to sit staring at a screen all day long, and then be assigned more homework on the screen to do at night? Will my classmates judge me when they see my zoom background or bedroom? Will my teacher be able to see me over the computer if I have something to ask or share? Will my teacher be able to "see" me and get to know me if we are not in person? Will I get enough exercise if I sit at my desk at home all day? Will I actually learn everything I need to learn this year? Will I get help if I am struggling? Will I miss out on all the fun things I was looking forward to, like sports, Shabbatonim, school trips, and Color War? And if we do go back to the building, will it feel normal? Will I see any classmates outside of my learning pod? Will I be allowed to leave class here and there just to blow off some steam? Will wearing a mask all day make it hard to breath, to talk, to concentrate? Will I be able to understand what the teacher is saying behind their mask? Will anything this year feel normal? Those are all very fair questions. And they (and you) deserve an honest response. The truth is, I don't have all the answers. Usually parents and teachers are supposed to answer your questions. And we can talk about some of the technical answers of how things will work and what we can do together to have a great year. But I get the sense that you are not really looking for a specific answer to a specific question. I think what you may really be seeking is validation. Is it ok for me to feel nervous, anxious, and scared? And the answer to that is definitively, YES. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this. After all, I want to reassure you and comfort you; not make you more nervous. But the truth is that I'm scared too. I am also wondering about how I will succeed this year and how I will stay safe. Teaching is not easy even under normal circumstances. The idea of meeting brand new students each year, getting to know each one individually, and figuring out how to help facilitate their learning and growth is a lot harder than it sounds. When people ask me "what do you teach?" I don't answer "Tanach." I answer "I teach x number of amazing young people and try to help them on their journey of self-discovery and growth." This is what makes education such an amazing calling. It is complex, interesting, and meaningful. But one thing it is not is easy. And teaching in the age of Coronavirus is even harder. How will I get to know my students through a screen or a mask? How will I make sure that I am safe if we return to the building? How will I create opportunities for my students to learn in Chavruta or work collaboratively if they must stay 6 feet apart and if some choose to stay learning from home even after we return to the building? How will I assess what you have learned and give you meaningful feedback that will be helpful? How will I develop not only your Tanach skills, but your Social-Emotional learning competencies as well? How will I help you feel inspired and connected spiritually? How will I feel comfortable and relaxed if we are in the building? How will I balance work and family if teaching from home? I'm sure if we wanted to we could each add many more questions to our lists. And if we invited parents into this conversation they would have a whole list of their own questions as well (I know this because I do have lots of questions as a parent this year, even more than usual). While we are at it, we could invite the school leadership team to join us. I guarantee you they have a million questions as well, including how can we keep everyone safe, learning, and happy, knowing that whatever we decide will please some and disappoint others? Here's what it boils down to: what we are all going through now is not normal. And none of us have all the answers. But, and this is key, this year can still be an incredible year. If we are a little more patient, and understanding, and caring with each other. If we communicate openly, honestly, and respectfully. If we realize that we are all in this together and are on the same team. I'm not going to tell you not to feel scared. I'm scared too. What I want to tell you though is that a) it's ok to feel that way, b) you are not alone, c) I am here if you want to talk, and d) we can do this. I hope and pray that we will find a vaccine as soon as possible and we can get back to the normal issues of life. But we do not have to wait for that to have an incredible year. This year will also have lots of fun and funny moments. This year, even while practicing social distancing, we can grow closer than ever through this shared experience. This year, we can grow through adversity and build skills like grit and resilience that will help us for the rest of our lives. This year will make us stronger, kinder, wiser, and braver. This year we will learn together. We will laugh together. We will grow together. I'll make you a deal. If you are having a tough day just give me a signal and I will understand. If you want to talk about it I am always here for you. If you don't want to talk, that is ok too. You see, being brave doesn't mean pretending that you aren't scared. It means going forward even when you are scared. One step at a time, one foot after the other. And you are not alone. We are all on this journey together.

A Bar Mitzvah To Remember

When I was growing up in Newton, MA our Modern Orthodox shul did not yet have its own building. For a few years we actually rented space in the gymnasium of a church. And so, whenever I am invited to play the game Two Truths And A Lie I always win because the statement "I had my bar mitzvah in a church" doesn't sound true.

This weekend we celebrated the Bar Mitzvah of our son Simcha and he too will one day be able to tell people about the unusual Bar Mitzvah he had over Zoom. Like many others these days, we were unable to celebrate this special occasion in person due to the social distancing required to stay safe from the Coronavirus. Although this was hard for many reasons, including not being able to celebrate with friends and family, and Simcha not being able to receive an Aliyah and leyn his Torah portion in shul, it was still such a special and meaningful weekend. Let me share some of the things we did so that years from now, when telling his kids about his Bar Mitzvah, Simcha will be able to share the details.

Simcha is an amazing young man. He is smart and funny and kind. In addition, Simcha and his twin sister Rina were miracle babies and, while every Bar Mitzvah is so special, this one is especially meaningful. We heard from several people this week who reached out saying how they will never forget the twins' birth and how special that was.

To prepare for his Bar Mitzvah Simcha did a bunch of things. Firstly, he learned with his Uncle Matt who taught him how to leyn. Simcha is a natural and picked it up beautifully. He never needed to be persuaded to practice his leyning and he enjoys it and is good at it. Simcha learned his entire Parsha (Shelach) and Haftara. Simcha also learned about his parsha in school this year and wrote a beautiful Dvar Torah connecting the Mitzvah of Tzitzit, which appears at the end of the parsha, with the Cheit HaMeraglim, which appears at the beginning. He focused on the word "Taturu," which appears in both sections, and developed the theme of looking for the good rather than the bad. Simcha did a Chesed project in which he baked cakes and cookies for Shavuot (he loves baking) and donated the proceeds to Yad Yehuda. Simcha taught himself Hilchot Tefillin using a workbook of questions based on Rav Eider's book. Finally, Simcha and Rina learned Mishna with me all year long, completing the entire Seder Nezikin (last year we learned Seder Moed). That's 685 Mishnayot! Suffice it to say, Simcha put a lot of prep into his Bar Mitzvah!

While we were hoping that maybe, somehow, we would be able to at least have a small minyan over Shabbat where Simcha could leyn, it wasn't in the cards. So instead we tried to make the entire week feel special, culminating in the big zoom celebration on Sunday. Our family prepared beautiful surprises such as a Mazal Tov Simcha yard sign, a Simcha Standard newsletter, a Shabbat scavenger hunt, a Tefillin cake, and much more. 

On Friday morning (his Bo Bayom) Simcha put on Tefillin with a bracha for the 1st time. Simcha received the incredible gift of his great grandfather's Tefilllin from my father, which is so meaningful. Every time he wears them you can literally see the Mesorah being passed down through the generations. Simcha also has the most beautiful Tefillin bag, lovingly designed and crafted by his Savta, with the pasuk "Ivdu Et Hashem B'Simcha Bou Lefanav Birnana" on it. We invited Simcha's friends to our driveway where they could sign a poster for Simcha, say a quick hello and mazal tov in person, enjoy a Krispy Kreme donut, and receive a goody bag with mini basketball hoops and a Seudah Shlishit Slow Shira booklet that we designed in Simcha's honor (he loves Slow Shira).

We also hosted a family only zoom on Friday in which grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins could share nice words about Simcha (a family tradition normally held after Kiddush but before lunch at family simchas). Simcha's sister Shira had also organized a really fun Simcha song in which many family members filmed themselves singing different parts of the song. And Simcha leyned Rishon and shared how much each of his family members means to him. We also presented Simcha with a booklet of life advice letters written to him by many family members called Pirkei Avot V'Imahot Shel Simcha. In order that family who could not be with us over Shabbat feel connected we sent out a Simcha themed Mad Libs for them to read at the table, as well as a mini shiur about the concept of Simcha. And of course, the Slow Shira booklet. Right before Shabbat we took some really nice photos of the 5 of us in the backyard. [And we did a few more nice ones in shul Sunday morning].

To make Shabbat feel special we let Simcha choose his favorite foods for the menu and we decorated the house. We also went by ourselves into our empty shul on Shabbat morning so that Simcha could read his entire parsha from a Sefer Torah. Right after Shabbat we invited family and Simcha's classmates to a Havdalah and Kahoot game about Simcha, which was really fun.

Which brings us to the big event on Sunday. One of the silver linings of this unusual bar mitzvah was the ability to include people from all over the world who would not otherwise have been able to celebrate with us. It was really incredible to see friends from every stop on our journeys, including London, Israel, Boston, New York, New Jersey, Florida, Texas, and Maryland. As people logged on to the zoom we had a playlist of songs with the word Simcha playing and a Sim's Club logo with the schedule of what would take place on the zoom meeting. Elisheva welcomed everyone and shared how special this moment is for us. Our shul Rabbi, Rabbi Brahm Weinberg, shared some inspiring words of Torah with Simcha. Simcha then leyned Shevii and delivered a beautiful Dvar Torah. We then showed a really fun video where family members and Simcha's classmates wished him mazal tov in a cool way. We asked them to send in videos where they opened their refrigerator, with their phone already inside recording, and took something unusual out. People were really creative with the types of items they took out and SImcha loved it! After that Simcha and Rina and I learned the final mishna of Pirkei Avot and made a siyum on Seder Nezikin. I had a hard time holding it together, as I know how many hours we put into this project. I am so impressed and proud of them for this tremendous accomplishment at such a young age. And, bli neder, with Hashem's help, we hope to keep on going and, B'ezrat Hashem maybe even make a Siyum Hashas before their High School graduation in 5 years. We have completed 2 sedarim and have 4 to go! We finished with an unbelievable Simcha photo montage put together by Shira in which we saw Simcha's amazing growth over the years from the cutest baby to the incredible young man he is today.

Overall, I think Simcha felt really good about his Bar Mitzvah. It still wasn't the same as having it in person. But he understands why and feels good about what he accomplished. We have this vision of a Shabbat, at some point down the road, in which we can celebrate all these boys and girls who have not been able to celebrate their Bar and Bat Mitzvahs in person. But for now, we are happy that we were still able to mark this special turning point, share it with so many friends, and spotlight this incredible young man. We thank all the family, friends, and teachers who have helped Simcha become who he is today, and we ask that Hashem continue to look out for him, guide him, inspire him, and support him for many years to come.

May the day come soon when we can all celebrate together with a hug and a L'chayim. In the meantime, it is enough to know that so many people care and that Simcha is on the right derech to live a life of purpose. Mazal Tov!

Chazak Chazak V'Nitchazek

This Shabbat will be the 10th straight Shabbat at home. With the Corona virus still spreading, our shuls and schools have been closed, and it will be a while still until we can enjoy a Shabbat morning hearing Kriat HaTorah, learning from an uplifting drasha, and sharing a Lechayim at Kiddush. While it has been nice to have more family time, I think we all look forward to being able to reconnect with each other in person.

The number of deaths just in the U.S. is staggering and tragic. As of this writing the reported number is just under 86,000 people. The emotional and economic impact is tremendous as well. I think we all believe that ultimately the world will find a vaccine and treatment. But we wonder, how long will that take, how many will die in the meantime, and how different will our lives be when we emerge?

One inspiring video that I want to share looks for some positive developments that could come from all this, if we learn and grow from this experience:

https://youtu.be/Nw5KQMXDiM4 

I don't know about you, but I suspect that I am not the only one who goes through moments when I feel optimistic and hopeful and other moments when I am anxious and worried. I have learned over the years that this is (for me at least) a normal way of processing challenges and growing stronger. Whatever challenges we have endured in our lives (Pregnancy losses, Hurricanes, Diabetes, Floods...) this has been a common coping strategy for me. And yet, I always have to remind myself that it is ok to feel whatever I am feeling and that, like a runner running a marathon, there will be times of exhaustion and doubt and other times of strength and confidence.

I am thinking about all this as we enter a Shabbat when we receive the mitzvah to give Chizuk ( VaYikra 25:35 - "V'Hechetzakta Bo") and when we will finish reading Sefer VaYikra and recite the words "Chazak Chazak V'Nitchazek." Why do we say this expression with the word Chazak (strong) three times? Maybe the answer is that there are times that we naturally feel Chazak. But when we don't, we need to say Chazak again and remind ourselves to hang in there. It's like the pasuk says "Kaveh El Hashem Chazak V'Yaametz Libecha VeKaveh El Hashem." Hope to God, strengthen your heart, and hope to God. When you enter the gap where you start to doubt and worry, close your eyes and remember that Hashem is the source of strength, and your hope will be renewed.

This worldwide challenge will leave tremendous pain and loss. But it will also lead to amazing goodness and kindness. To people sacrificing for each other. To a world that learns how to look out for one another. To people appreciating the little things. To us all reflecting on what really matters to us in life and hopefully letting the rest go by.

We are all in this together. Separate, but united. When you feel down or lonely, just know that you are stronger than you think. And if you send me a telepathic message I will send you a bit of Chizuk to help you remember just how strong you are. I hope you will do the same for me.

Gesher Tzar Me'od

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the famous song, based on a teaching of Rebbe Nachman MiBreslov:

כל העולם כלו גשר צר מאד והעקר לא לפחד כלל

The whole entire world is a very narrow bridge But the main thing is not to fear at all

During this Coronavirus Pandemic the entire world feels at once both deeply connected and extremely isolated. On the one hand this has reminded us how much we impact one another globally, how we are all connected to each other no matter the distance, the language, or the worldview. On the other hand we are told to stay home and practice social distancing. We are unable to pray together or learn together in person. But at the same time our virtual connections (thank you Zoom) are building bridges to people and places with whom we would not normally interact. We are witnessing incredible acts of bravery, kindness, and gratitude. And at the same time, a simple act like going to the supermarket can bring anxiety and avoidance. There is an aspect to life these days that feels like a גשר, a bridge. And there is an aspect that feels צר, like being closed in in a narrow space.

What does Rebbe Nachman mean when he tells us not to have any fear? How can one not be afraid right now when you see the numbers growing at an alarming rate every day? We wonder how long this will last, when things will get back to normal, whether normal will even be the same as it once was. Will this pass after a few months or will it keep coming back? Will we ever be able to get together with friends and family again? When will we be able to get back to school and work? When will sports resume? When will we be able to hear Kriat HaTorah in a minyan with a Sefer Torah? When life does eventually get “back to normal” will people appreciate and help each other more than they used to, or will we retreat into silos looking out only for our immediate circles?

I wrote about this once before, in one of my 1st ever blog posts, back in 2012, but it bears repeating. Any time I have brought teens on an Israel trip, when we go to the Kotel (especially if it is on a Friday night) I ask them to close their eyes and imagine a bridge going all the way from the spot where they daven in their shul at home to this place and time at the Kotel right now. And I tell them that I want them to really visualize this bridge and feel the power of the moment they are now experiencing, feeling so close to Hashem and seeing so many different types of people all connected to one another. So that the next week, when they are back home, they can close their eyes again and cross this invisible bridge back to the Kotel to feel the same incredible connection and inspiration even from home. To be honest, I do not always remember to close my eyes at Kabbalat Shabbat and visualize this bridge. But whenever I do I always feel that connection and inspiration.

I wonder if maybe the secret to understanding Rebbe Nachman’s teaching about fear, which might help us during these scary times, is to build that invisible bridge. Right now things might feel narrow and scary. But we have to remember that we come from people who have crossed narrow bridges before us and come out on the other side. And we have to remind ourselves that if we put one foot in front of the other, even though this bridge in front of us is narrow, and long, and wobbly, we will eventually get to the other side as well.

So rather than give in to the פחד, the fear and worry, I invite us all to close our eyes and imagine that invisible bridge. Imagine what it will look like on the other side. Will we have grown from this ordeal or stayed the same? Will we be more grateful, more giving, more sensitive to the needs of others? Will we each do our part to make this world a little better? Will we care about what happens to others and not just ourselves? When I close my eyes and cross this bridge I imagine a world that feels more connected and caring, having gone through such an ordeal together.

Tonight is Pesach. While we sit in our homes recounting the exodus of long ago it is not hard to imagine our ancestors having similar conversations. The Hebrew word for Egypt, מצרים, comes from the same shoresh, צר. Our ancestors were also stuck in a narrow place and scared. Until one day Hashem led them out and built an invisible bridge for them across the Red Sea. So even though our Seders this year might have fewer people than usual, in some ways I feel more connected to Klal Yisrael and to the World than ever before. I imagine a bridge from my house to each of yours, until we are all connected like a web. As I sing the songs and taste the Matzah I will picture you doing the same and feel connected. May this Pesach bring us the freedom to break out of our narrow world views and see the bigger picture. May Hashem watch over us and send healing and hope. When we open the door for Eliyahu may he greet us all with a vision of a brighter future. And may our prayer of “Next Year in Jerusalem” herald the coming of Mashiach very very soon. All it takes is for each of us to build that invisible bridge.

Coronavirus and the Kiyor

With the Coronavirus dominating the news we’ve all been doing a whole lot of washing hands recently in order to maintain clean hands and avoid germs. So when I saw that this week’s parsha (Ki Tisa) talks about hand washing I decided to explore a little deeper. It says in this week’s parsha:

Shemot 30:18-21

וְעָשִׂיתָ כִּיּוֹר נְחֹשֶׁת וְכַנּוֹ נְחֹשֶׁת לְרָחְצָה וְנָתַתָּ אֹתוֹ בֵּין־אֹהֶל מוֹעֵד וּבֵין הַמִּזְבֵּחַ וְנָתַתָּ שָׁמָּה מָיִם׃

Make a laver of copper and a stand of copper for it, for washing; and place it between the Tent of Meeting and the altar. Put water in it,

וְרָחֲצוּ אַהֲרֹן וּבָנָיו מִמֶּנּוּ אֶת־יְדֵיהֶם וְאֶת־רַגְלֵיהֶם׃

and let Aaron and his sons wash their hands and feet [in water drawn] from it.

בְּבֹאָם אֶל־אֹהֶל מוֹעֵד יִרְחֲצוּ־מַיִם וְלֹא יָמֻתוּ אוֹ בְגִשְׁתָּם אֶל־הַמִּזְבֵּחַ לְשָׁרֵת לְהַקְטִיר אִשֶּׁה לַה’׃

When they enter the Tent of Meeting they shall wash with water, that they may not die; or when they approach the altar to serve, to turn into smoke an offering by fire to the LORD,

וְרָחֲצוּ יְדֵיהֶם וְרַגְלֵיהֶם וְלֹא יָמֻתוּ וְהָיְתָה לָהֶם חָק־עוֹלָם לוֹ וּלְזַרְעוֹ לְדֹרֹתָם׃

they shall wash their hands and feet, that they may not die. It shall be a law for all time for them—for him and his offspring—throughout the ages.

I. Kavanah/Intentionality

The Kohanim washed their hands and feet every time they entered the Mishkan to perform the Avodah. It was a ritual act which helped them not only to maintain good hygiene, but also to prepare their minds with Kavanah that they were about to do something holy.

We still echo this act today with the washing of the Kohanim’s hands before the Birchat Kohanim. We also wash Negel Vaser each morning, wash our hands before Tefilla (Brachot 16a), and wash Netilat Yadayim before eating bread. And at the Pesach Seder in a few weeks we will wash our hands not once but twice (Urchatz and Rachtza).

Ramban writes that, when a kohen washes his hands before the avodah, it is not for cleanliness; it is a sign of respect, just as the one who serves the king’s meals washes his hands even if they’re clean.

Not only is washing hands a sign of respect to Hashem; it also helps the Kohanim approach their Avodah with the right frame of mind. Washing hands is not just a matter of hygiene in Judaism. It is a symbolic reminder that our actions should be holy and pure. That what we do matters. That if we are intentional in our behavior we can have a tremendous impact on those around us. Imagine if before every conversation, email, or text we washed our hands as a reminder to be mindful and purposeful with our words. So one lesson I take from the emphasis on washing is the idea of Kavanah, of intentionality in our actions.

II. Reflection

But perhaps there is a deeper idea going on here as well. Rashi (30:19) quotes the Gemara (Zevachim 19b) which says that the Kohein would wash his hands and feet simultaneously. He would put his right hand on his right foot and wash them both, and then do the same with his left hand on his left foot. It almost sounds like a crazy game of Twister. What is the symbolism of washing in this manner? Bending over and placing his hands on top of his feet, the Kohain would look up and see his face reflected in the polished copper surface of the Kiyor. And he would remember his sacred duty to represent the people in purity and service to Hashem.

How do we know that the copper used for the Kiyor was reflective? It is based on a midrash quoted by Rashi in next week's parsha (38:8):

וַיַּעַשׂ אֵת הַכִּיּוֹר נְחֹשֶׁת וְאֵת כַּנּוֹ נְחֹשֶׁת בְּמַרְאֹת הַצֹּבְאֹת אֲשֶׁר צָבְאוּ פֶּתַח אֹהֶל מוֹעֵד׃

“He made the copper Laver… from the mirrors of the legions who massed at the entrance of the Ohel Moed.”

Rashi quotes the midrash that Moshe did not want to take the copper mirrors, used for external beauty, for one of the Keilim of the Mishkan. But Hashem told him that these were the most precious to Him b/c they symbolized the emunah of the women in Mitzrayim who kept hope and faith in a brighter future and built their families despite the challenges of Avdut.

בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל הָיוּ בְיָדָן מַרְאוֹת שֶׁרוֹאוֹת בָּהֶן כְּשֶׁהֵן מִתְקַשְּׁטוֹת, וְאַף אוֹתָן לֹא עִכְּבוּ מִלְּהָבִיא לְנִדְבַת הַמִּשְׁכָּן, וְהָיָה מוֹאֵס מֹשֶׁה בָּהֶן מִפְּנֵי שֶׁעֲשׂוּיִם לְיֵצֶר הָרָע, אָמַר לוֹ הַקָּבָּ"ה קַבֵּל, כִּי אֵלּוּ חֲבִיבִין עָלַי מִן הַכֹּל, שֶׁעַל יְדֵיהֶם הֶעֱמִידוּ הַנָּשִׁים צְבָאוֹת רַבּוֹת בְּמִצְרַיִם

Moshe thought these mirrors would not be fitting for the Holy Mishkan. But Hashem teaches him that they are the most appropriate material for the Mishkan. Because the Mishkan is a place for hope and emunah. It is a place to reflect on the present and dream of a brighter future (as we see for example with Chana). And just as the women in Mitzrayim were able to see a better tomorrow, the Kohanim must also start their Avodah each day with a reminder that their service is to bring Kaparah and Tahara to the world.

So, while we look forward to the day when things go back to normal and we don’t have to wash our hands every few minutes, in the meantime, perhaps while washing we can reflect on the idea that all our actions should be intentional and that our Avodah, our duty, is to each do just a little bit to make the world around us better. If we do this then not only will we, B’ezrat Hashem, maintain good hygiene; we will also create a brighter tomorrow. A tomorrow in which we look out for each other, realize the impact we have on one another, and encourage each other to have faith in the future.

I See You

Happy Palindrome Day!

Today is February 2, 2020, or 02/02/2020. This is the only time such a date will occur this century. The previous palindrome date came 909 years ago on 11/11/1111. The next will come in 101 years on 12/12/2121 and after that there will not be another until 03/03/3030.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/02/02/world/palindrome-day-february-2-2020-intl-scli/index.html

Besides being kind of a cool, quirky, feature of the calendar, I think today’s date is most appropriate. Because I have been thinking a lot recently about the theme of Perspective, specifically seeing things from others’ point of view.

As a teacher, a rabbi, a husband, a father, a son, a brother, and everything else that I am, the most important ingredient in all my relationships is Empathy. And the key to empathy is to be able to see things (even if you have a slightly different perspective) from the other person’s point of view.

This weekend our family all got together to celebrate the engagement of my nephew. It was beautiful to see everyone together. My sister published a book of my father’s short stories about his grandfather (for whom I am named), so it was a weekend of connecting 5 generations of family.

Over the weekend I spent time with each niece and nephew, catching up on their lives and feeling proud of the people they are becoming. My parents were surrounded by all their grandchildren. Two of them are navigating the mystery of Middle School and two others the humor of High School. One of them is learning in yeshiva. Two of them are enjoying the independence of college. One of them is a brave soldier of the IDF. Three others are starting their careers. And this theme of perspective taking kept coming up. In conversations about school, about professors, about resumes, about summer jobs, about dating, and so much more, it kept coming up again and again.

At one point a conversation I had many years ago came back to me and it is something I will call The Mirror Test. Towards the beginning of my 1st year studying in a post high school yeshiva in Israel, the Rebbe one day decided to talk to us about dating and marriage. He asked us to write a list of all the characteristics we would be looking for in our ideal spouse. After listening to some of our lists the Rebbe then said, “now I want you to think about that girl that you just described and think about what kind of guy she is going to want to marry. Write down a list of all the characteristics she will be looking for in a guy. If you want her to want you then you will have to make sure that list describes you.” It was an eye opening thought experiment for us as we realized that if we wanted the best we were going to have to start working on ourselves to become the best as well (somehow I lucked out and got the best even though I am still working hard on living up to my list :-)

This mirror test applies not only to dating, but to careers as well. If you want a certain job or want to be seen a certain way in your job, then ask yourself the same question: what does someone who has that job or is seen that way look like? And then go become that person.

Very often people feel frustrated in life when they don’t feel seen by the people around them. And this starts at a young age when teens often do not feel seen by their peers or by the adults in their lives. As an educator, I try to “see” who each of my students is becoming. I also focus a lot on helping students “see” multiple perspectives as a way of broadening their understanding and their empathy for others.

In life it can be hard sometimes to find people who really “see” you. People who see your signature strengths. Who see the things that are hard for you. Who see the efforts you are making. Most people just see things from their own perspective. The beautiful thing about our family is that, even if we do not get together in person as often as we would like, we always “see” each other.

So, on this Palindrome day (which is also Groundhog day - another perspective taking idea), let’s remember to try to “see” the people in our lives. Let’s build our empathy by trying to view things from other people’s perspectives. Let’s look at the world around us, full of fascinating and inspiring people, and be amazed at the beauty we sometimes miss right before our eyes.