It is 1:00am and I can't sleep. That's because I know that in a few more minutes I need to check my 9 year old daughter Rina's blood sugar to make sure she is not having a high or a low. A week ago we rushed her to the ER on Shabbat morning when she was clearly very ill and we were shocked to learn that she has Type 1 Diabetes and was experiencing dangerous levels of hyperglycemia. Thank God, the amazing doctors and nurses at Texas Children's Hospital were able to stabilize her and she came home Tuesday night. But in the last week I feel like I have aged several years. I now speak a new language of Glucose Levels and Ketones and Humalog. I now check blood and give insulin injections several times a day (and if you know me you know that I am a fainter when it comes to blood and needles). And I now wake up (on the rare occasions that all the thoughts rushing through my head slow down enough for me to actually fall asleep) with about 5 seconds of calmness before my chest tightens up and I remember the fear, anxiety, and neverending worry that are now my reality going forward.
Here is the good news. 1st of all, Rina is an amazing child. She does not complain or cry (though she has every right to). She just smiles and allows us to constantly prod and inject and tell her what she can and cannot eat. I am inspired by her strength. 2nd of all, her mother is the strongest (and most giving) person I have ever met. She is also diabetic and is teaching the rest of us how to live with diabetes rather than letting diabetes limit the way you live. 3rd of all, Rina has a brother and a sister who love her more than anything in the world.
But with all that said, this is still a very hard reality to come to terms with. I know many others go through even bigger challenges (Lo Aleinu) and that this will get easier as time goes on and we get used to it. But it is scary and sad and not what any parent wants for their child.
And with today being Father's Day I am sitting here thinking about how blessed I feel every single day to be a father, with all its stress and worry, and how grateful I am to God for giving me the opportunity to raise three beautiful children. Fatherhood is not easy. But it is the most important thing I will ever do in this world and it is the thing that matters the most to me.
I learned about how to be a father by watching my own Abba whom I consider to be the greatest father in the world. He taught me to love, to laugh, and to learn. I watch his dedication to community, to shul, and even to strangers he meets and I am inspired. I watch how he deals with his Parkinsons with grace, courage, and dignity and I am amazed. But mostly I watch his love for his family and his willingness to do anything to help one of his children and I am grateful.
So yes. This has not been an easy week for us. Truthfully, it has not been an easy year. From last Shavuot to this one we have experienced two floods and now this. And I'm pretty sure the inability to sleep or to relax will not go away any time soon. Because when you love someone so much you cannot relax if they are in danger or pain. But at the same time I thank God a million times for the blessing of my children, all three of whom are my pride and joy. I daven to Him with all my heart to keep them safe. And I remind myself that He too is our Father who looks after us and loves us.
One day I hope my kids will read these blog posts. When they do I hope they will really start to understand how much I love them and how proud I am to be their father.
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